The Family Roles That Come Back When a Parent Needs Care
You remember how in the last article there was an understanding of what people cannot see. The more troubling version of this is when they see and still show no effort. It can feel isolating. It can help to know they didn’t mean to cause trouble. But now it doesn’t matter if it was on purpose or not. The question is, “why?” Here, you’ll get a clearer understanding on what’s happening. Knowledge has a cost but clarity is priceless.
I’ve spent time seeing a therapist about my own family dynamic and there is a statistic to who is likely to be the caregiver. Most would assume it is the eldest child. We are currently doing a survey to replicate a study from AgingCare.com’s 2015 State of Caregiving survey saying that caregivers arent based on birth order where most would think it would be the eldest. Its actually based on emotional closeness and proximity! This does not mean, however, that when it comes to caregiving, that dynamics all of a sudden change. A good chunk of us have experienced a “team” of the responsible one, the baby, and the one who “doesnt do feelings”. A common dynamic described in They’re Your Parents, Too! by Russo in 2010. Recognizing what the roles are, allows for these unexpected responses to be predictable in the future. Think about who you are first, then the team, to follow.
Now that you know who you are in the team of care, consider that now every person has their own relationship with the person you’re caring for! Gets complicated doesn’t it? Can you imagine with all the complexity, what it means when someone says “Mom needs us”. It can land very differently to each person! Russo mentions this in his book as well!
Another interesting part of understanding the dynaic is to determine how the other team members feel about the shear idea of caregiving. I say this because a famous book called Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patten & Heen says, “Watching a parent decline is frightening and fear can look a lot like not caring.” If this doesnt in itself make you say out loud, “yeah thats true” then consider this. If you ever recall a moment of fright, was your response fight or flight? Did you find yourself paralyzed? Now put the burden of someone else’s life on the line. It makes you second guess the right answer for them. A person paralyzed in fear, feels that they CANNOT afford to make the wrong choice, and often this looks like no response, or no effort.
Earlier I mentioned proximity as well…how do you think it feels to be too far away to help? What happens when the most capable, is simply too far away? Location can create a multitude of problems in itself. If you have a caregiving personality team member who is too far away, you can find them over-anxious to help. Often too much and giving orders from a distance. You would think this is the only version of them but in Russo’s book there is another outcome if this feeling of helplessness is amplified. The team member can feel guilt and silence is how some people hide that.
What I imagine when you have the ability to move forward but waiting to coordinate.
The last thing to note here, at least for now…is where the “let me know” comment comes from that comes from Flynn & Lake’s article called “If You Need help, Just Ask”. Its simple. The person making the comments are stuck. There is something preventing them from coming up with a game plan, or feeling confident to suggest one. Nobody would say this if they really didnt feel that way, but what they can offer is to be the “support’s support”. Not a bad offer when said this way, but to an overworked caregiver, this is just more decision making and coordinating! There is no solution to this, but rather another way to simply recognize what is being said so that you can have a CHANCE to do something about it. Its about “Making it Easy to Say Yes” after all.
Let me make something clear, NONE of this excuses them. This is simply to explain them and you cant adjust to what you cant understand. This is for you, the reader. The seeker of help.
Now that you understand the dynamic of the team, you have the opportunity to get the most aid out of each person and no longer feel unprepared. If you still have questions about a dynamic, either shoot me a message or feel free to comment!
Thank you as always to my strong and steadfast readers. Some solutions will come in the next articles! Stay diligent!
Sources:
Russo, Francine. They're Your Parents, Too! Bantam, 2010.
Stone, Patton, and Heen. Difficult Conversations. Viking, 1999.
Flynn, Francis J., and Vanessa K. B. Lake. "'If You Need Help, Just Ask': Underestimating Compliance With Direct Requests for Help." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 95, no. 1 (2008): 128–143. Stanford GSB
